i jhust puked up my retainher.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
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We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
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You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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