She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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