Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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