Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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