i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
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I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
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it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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