Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize