My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
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Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
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Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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