No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
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This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
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Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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