Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
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Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
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I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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