how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
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The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
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Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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