Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize