HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
