you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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