I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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