I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
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I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
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This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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