Your mouth is God's brothel.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
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Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
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We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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