do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize