I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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