omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
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