my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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