I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
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