4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize