you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
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my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
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It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
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