No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
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I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
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The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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