sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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