literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
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you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
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Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
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