I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
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we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
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there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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