True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
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When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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