Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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