I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
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I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
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There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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