Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize