Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
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I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
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Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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