Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
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Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
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I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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