look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
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I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
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I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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