i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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