??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
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Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
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Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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