idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
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There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
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I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
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