i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
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I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
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As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
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