This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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