We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize