I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
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The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
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I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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