Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
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