Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
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I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
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I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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