She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
