Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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