good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Dick very happy bro
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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