I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
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I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
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Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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