I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
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Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
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We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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