I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
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why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
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My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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