I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
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Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
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It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
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